Shedding All My Old Regrets
by Darling Pretty
Summary: Izzie drags Alex to church. The homily inspires him. Addison/Alex. Oneshot.


**a/n: I don't even know where this came from. I'm pretty sure I was listening to "The Wrote and the Writ" by Johnny Flynn and all the religious imagery gave me the idea. And then my priest gave this great spiel at Holy Unction on Wednesday, and that just helped, because I had such a strong speech to go off of. Not that his speech had anything to do with this speech, but just the model was helpful. I swear, my priest is the best speaker I think I've ever heard.**

**disclaimer: I can lay claim to the unnamed priest, but that's about it.**

* * *

He can not believe that he allowed Izzie to drag him to church. She caught him off guard, and pestered him until he would do anything to get her to stop. He hasn't gone to church since he was five. That's when his dad's career took a nosedive and that's when the abuse started.

He doesn't believe in any sort of god. Because if there really is some omniscient being looking out for everyone in the world and wanting to save everyone, why the hell did his mom suffer silently for ten years? Why do people die everyday? Why are babies' lives cut so short it's as if they never existed, except to the person who will mourn their absence? And if that omniscient being wants to save everyone, it's wasting it's time. There are some people who don't deserve it. The rapists, the murderers, the abusers, do they really deserve any sort of redemption?

Does he?

Can he honestly say that deserves to be saved? Oh, he's never raped, or murdered. He's never laid his hands on any woman in anger. But he has hurt many of them in other ways. And he can't get his latest, and greatest, screw up out of his mind.

He's pretty sure he deserves to go to hell for how he's treated Addison. And if the repentance he feels for doing so means that he will be saved, then he doesn't want to be saved. Because he knows instinctively that he's done some pretty permanent damage. And he deserves to rot in hell for breaking an already broken woman.

The Gospel is read and the priest begins the homily. Alex stifles a yawn.

If only he could stop picturing the look on her face as he told her she wasn't his girlfriend. If only he could have told her that he was getting too dependent on her, that she was too important to him. If only he could have explained that he doesn't _do _love, that he doesn't know how to let someone in that deep. She's the only one he's ever been able to open up to completely, and that scares him. If only he could have said that he doesn't trust anyone enough to give them the opportunity to shove it through a meat grinder. Because to him, that's what love is: giving someone your heart and saying "Here, take it, do what you want". Even if that means shoving it through a meat grinder and then making hamburgers out of it.

"The Gospel today teaches us forgiveness," the priest says to the crowd. "And we all know how good the absolution of forgiveness feels. We all know that when we know that we've done something wrong, we should apologize. But I want to look at it another way. I want to look at how hard it is to ask forgiveness. Especially when you don't think you deserve it. But we all deserve forgiveness. We may not think we do, but we do.

"We hurt people. As human beings, we are clumsy and inconsiderate. We flatten each other in an effort to make ourselves feel better. That much is a fact of life. It's what we do after that defines us as people.

"We have two options after hurting another person. We can apologize, or we can run. And very rarely do we choose to do the former. Running is easy. It doesn't require us to think, to feel. But running is never the answer. You may be able to get that damage out of your head for a little while, but it will catch up to you eventually. You're never going to outrun it for good.

"It takes courage to ask for forgiveness. A coward runs. A hero apologizes. Only a coward destroys another human being and runs. Only a coward doesn't accept responsibility.

"That is what God is trying to tell us in today's reading…"

The priest continues on for a few minutes, but Alex checks out. He's never been so uncomfortable in his life. All he sees is the flash of red hair heading out into the rain. He hasn't seen her since. Well, they've been avoiding each other. He's been running from her.

He has to fix this. He has to make this right. Because he needs to know that she forgives him. He needs to know that she hasn't been irreparably damaged by his clumsy and inconsiderate attempts at protecting himself.

0ooo0

She sits alone in her hotel room, flipping through TV channels. She sighs when she finds that there is nothing on.

There's a knock on her door. It's one o'clock in the afternoon on a Sunday. Who would show up now? If it's Mark, she's just going to slam the door in his face.

If it's Alex… it won't be Alex.

She opens the door. Well, there goes that theory. "What the hell do you want?" she finally snaps.

"I'm sorry," he says.

"What?"

"I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry that I told you you're not my girlfriend. I'm sorry I yelled at you in a supply closet. I'm not sorry I slept with you, but I'm sorry that I've treated you like I have."

"What?"

"Addison, I'm not… I'm not asking for another chance. I've blown all of those, I know. But I just wish that you might be able to forgive me. Because I can't get your face out of my head, and I need to know that you're going to be okay."

"I… Alex… what… I don't… I don't know what to say. You hurt me."

"You have no idea how much I hate myself for that."

"You haven't even given me an explanation."

He's quiet for a moment. "You were getting too close," he shrugs. "I really like you, Addison. In a way that I've never liked anyone before. I just… I want to be with you all the time. I want to be with you forever. You get me. I'm not used to it, and I needed to get you away from me. So I did it the only way I know how. I hurt you. And I hate myself for that, but that's how I am. And now all I can do is apologize and hope you can forgive me."

"You hurt me," she repeats. "And you don't deserve forgiveness. You don't deserve to feel good about yourself again. What you did to me was terrible. But I can't help it. I'm not mad. I don't hate you for it. I can't even be angry about it. I shouldn't, but I do. I forgive you."

"Thank you," he says quietly.

"And you don't deserve another chance," she continues. "but… I want to give you another anyways. I don't what it is, Alex. You make me… I can't… I like you. A lot."

"Addison, I'll hurt you again," he tells her.

"You don't know that."

"I do, though."

"No you don't. You can't know that. And even if you do, I won't let you. I'm not going to let you hurt me again, Alex Karev. But I don't… I don't want to be without you."

He looks at her, and closes the space between them. He gives her that cocky smirk that is what won her over in the first place. "You are so going to regret this," he informs her.

She looks him in the eyes, and says honestly, "No. I'm not."

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**So there you have it, a nice little oneshot. Seems to be following my recent rash of fics in which Alex apologizes for being an ass. And I'm fairly certain you want to review. Just a thought.**

**-Juli-**


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